Archive for the ‘kink’ Category

Yay Kink (and Bitch)!

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

So I’ve been watching a few It Gets Better videos (as well as ones that are responses to that campaign, etc), as well as musing on conversations I’ve had with my SO Bitch* and others about kink and sexuality.  So, some things.  Since I don’t know how to form this essay style, let’s go with a list.

1. I had a lot of hormone problems as a child–I started to go through puberty when I was 3 or 4 and was put on hormone blockers (specifically Lupron) until I was almost 11 to prevent things from going full force.  I am not sure, but I suspect this played a role in my sexuality staying pretty low key compared to others my age in middle school and early high school.

2. Despite that, I came to terms with my sexual identity rather young.  I began questioning in about 3rd or 4th grade (it happens when everyone around you is ‘dating’ and you have no interest in doing so), and accepted myself as (at the time) bisexual when I was 12 or 13.

3. In spite of #2, I was closeted until mid 7th grade, although my sexuality was questioned FOR ME by a lot of people.  Due to my love of David Bowie and lack of interest in traditional masculinity as well as other things, I was often asked if I was a lesbian and the other girls talked about (but never did) grooming me to make me an appropriate female.  This, among other things, is what I think lead to me keeping my gender identity secret, even to myself, despite coming out as bisexual.

4. I really didn’t start questioning my gender identity until I became friends with Bitch, who despite seeming a bit straightedge at first, had a small collection of kinky fiction and other things. Meeting someone who liked (for instance) dragon pronz? Made me feel a bit less freakish. Her interest in non-human things, which often had non-binary sexualities and gender identities, helped a lot because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t scare her if I told her I didn’t want tits.

5. Around that same time, though, I started to really struggle with issues left over from a dear friend being raped.  At the time, I expressed in counseling issues with my gender, and my counselor wondered if I hated myself for being female because of violence against women.  Looking back, I think what it really was was hating my male side because of violence against women.

6. After Bitch and I began dating (this being almost four years after we first met), I started looking more into sex toys as well as binders and packing cocks.  I tie the two things together because the fact I was with someone who I had already blathered about at my gender stuff (due to thinking she was straight and so I didn’t have a chance and thus wouldn’t kill my chances), who *wanted* me, made me less afraid of various things about my gender and my sexuality at the same time.

7. Through all that, I found communities with people like me–trans bois who were totally men but still liked glitter and showtunes, trans women who were body builders, etc. etc.

tl;dr: Bitch=awesome person who made me less afraid of my gender and kinks, kink communities=generally awesome places that have made me less afraid of my gender expression.  All of which is part of why I just bought another vibrator (with a gift card) that is purple and glittery, possibly to go with my purple dong.

*When using this word in reference to her, I of course use it affectionately and with her consent; it is not a word I fling around lightly because I know how loaded it is for many, and will likely only use it here with a capital B when referring to her.