Archive for the ‘family shit’ Category

Being Jack Harkness and loving Sheldon Cooper

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Did I get your attention with that subject?

Okay, so here’s the thing.  Over the holiday break, my father and I had a fight.  It was mostly triggered by my feeling that he invalidated many parts of my identity and life, namely my gender identity and my relationship with Bitch.  In the course of this, he revealed that he thought Bitch was ‘using’ me as a kind of social crutch etc etc and that we aren’t really in love but faking it to have something to cling to or something like that.

So, here’s some things.

1. It is true that Bitch is socially awkward.  But so am I.  Being more theatric in many ways, I guess I’ve learned to compensate and pretend I’m not.  But honestly? I hate being in large groups of people and generally people piss me off.  Strangely enough, even though she’s more (outwardly) socially awkward, Bitch is the optimistic one who assumes better of people than I do.  I’m a bit jaded, though.

2. We’ve been doing this long distance thing for going on three years (almost four if you count the time after she moved but before we became a couple)–the entire time we’ve been in a romantic relationship.  We don’t see each other often, and when we do, we spend little time around others.  Thus, few people have really seen us as a couple.

3. My father didn’t really see my relationship-that-wasn’t (oh, hi, Charlie.  You’re going to be here too? Fine, I’ll give you a proper introduction later). He saw snippets of it, but he had a lot of serious things going on at that time so didn’t see what it was and how it imploded.  Thus, he views what I am with Bitch as my first relationship and assumes I can’t see a fucked up relationship when I’m in it.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Yeah.  This thing? It’s different and hard, but it is not abusive or fucked up in that way.

4.  The thing that I think is spuring a lot of this: we aren’t, really, sexually compatible.  How does my Dad know this? We had a debate about open relationships, in which I revealled that Bitch and I are theoretically in one.  I explained our rules, and he got kind of pissy and acted like it was cheating.  Apparently, having the rule that one or the other has veto reveals the others insecurity etc.

Now, here’s the thing. As the subject implies, my sex drive is much higher than Bitch.  While she is not asexual, she has a very low drive.  I…don’t.  Given this and the whole not together often thing, we have a deal.  I can hook up with people if she meets them first , we’re safe, etc.  The thing my dad gets hung up on is the fact she has to meet them. (He also believes that sex is so important omfg that if I hook up with someone I have anything in common with, I’ll fall in love with them and out of love with Bitch and he refused to believe that there are many happy couples who have primaries and are also poly/in open relationships and who don’t leave their primaries for a sexual playmate. Sigh)

The way I feel? Having sex with someone else is, in a sense, bringing them into the relationship. Thus, the primary should have a say: it’s their relationship too, and if a playmate makes them viscerally uncomfortable etc. it will strain the primary relationship.  So yeah, she has veto because I don’t want to fuck someone who gives her the creeps.  I don’t think that’s so out there and that it’s her being insecure.  It’s me respecting her enough to want to make sure she’s comfortable with the other people I’m sleeping with.  She is totally cool with me sleeping with other people, because as awesome as sex is it’s still just sex.  She knows I’m absolutely wild for her and that I’d just as soon leave her for someone else as I’d leave her for one of my vibrators and that, honestly, I should be more afraid of her leaving me for a pork shank (very inside joke). However, given things like the distance and her social anxieties, I think it makes sense that she’d want to know a little something about the people I’m shagging and if it makes her more comfortable I’ll give that to her and take things a bit more slowly than I would otherwise. She’s my very best friend, so my father can just suck it if he doesn’t like the fact that I’m putting her feelings ahead of getting laid more often.

(This has been rattling around in my head for a bit, but as always may edit as thoughts continue to come to me etc).