Archive for the ‘Bitch’ Category

Being Jack Harkness and loving Sheldon Cooper

Monday, January 24th, 2011

Did I get your attention with that subject?

Okay, so here’s the thing.  Over the holiday break, my father and I had a fight.  It was mostly triggered by my feeling that he invalidated many parts of my identity and life, namely my gender identity and my relationship with Bitch.  In the course of this, he revealed that he thought Bitch was ‘using’ me as a kind of social crutch etc etc and that we aren’t really in love but faking it to have something to cling to or something like that.

So, here’s some things.

1. It is true that Bitch is socially awkward.  But so am I.  Being more theatric in many ways, I guess I’ve learned to compensate and pretend I’m not.  But honestly? I hate being in large groups of people and generally people piss me off.  Strangely enough, even though she’s more (outwardly) socially awkward, Bitch is the optimistic one who assumes better of people than I do.  I’m a bit jaded, though.

2. We’ve been doing this long distance thing for going on three years (almost four if you count the time after she moved but before we became a couple)–the entire time we’ve been in a romantic relationship.  We don’t see each other often, and when we do, we spend little time around others.  Thus, few people have really seen us as a couple.

3. My father didn’t really see my relationship-that-wasn’t (oh, hi, Charlie.  You’re going to be here too? Fine, I’ll give you a proper introduction later). He saw snippets of it, but he had a lot of serious things going on at that time so didn’t see what it was and how it imploded.  Thus, he views what I am with Bitch as my first relationship and assumes I can’t see a fucked up relationship when I’m in it.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Yeah.  This thing? It’s different and hard, but it is not abusive or fucked up in that way.

4.  The thing that I think is spuring a lot of this: we aren’t, really, sexually compatible.  How does my Dad know this? We had a debate about open relationships, in which I revealled that Bitch and I are theoretically in one.  I explained our rules, and he got kind of pissy and acted like it was cheating.  Apparently, having the rule that one or the other has veto reveals the others insecurity etc.

Now, here’s the thing. As the subject implies, my sex drive is much higher than Bitch.  While she is not asexual, she has a very low drive.  I…don’t.  Given this and the whole not together often thing, we have a deal.  I can hook up with people if she meets them first , we’re safe, etc.  The thing my dad gets hung up on is the fact she has to meet them. (He also believes that sex is so important omfg that if I hook up with someone I have anything in common with, I’ll fall in love with them and out of love with Bitch and he refused to believe that there are many happy couples who have primaries and are also poly/in open relationships and who don’t leave their primaries for a sexual playmate. Sigh)

The way I feel? Having sex with someone else is, in a sense, bringing them into the relationship. Thus, the primary should have a say: it’s their relationship too, and if a playmate makes them viscerally uncomfortable etc. it will strain the primary relationship.  So yeah, she has veto because I don’t want to fuck someone who gives her the creeps.  I don’t think that’s so out there and that it’s her being insecure.  It’s me respecting her enough to want to make sure she’s comfortable with the other people I’m sleeping with.  She is totally cool with me sleeping with other people, because as awesome as sex is it’s still just sex.  She knows I’m absolutely wild for her and that I’d just as soon leave her for someone else as I’d leave her for one of my vibrators and that, honestly, I should be more afraid of her leaving me for a pork shank (very inside joke). However, given things like the distance and her social anxieties, I think it makes sense that she’d want to know a little something about the people I’m shagging and if it makes her more comfortable I’ll give that to her and take things a bit more slowly than I would otherwise. She’s my very best friend, so my father can just suck it if he doesn’t like the fact that I’m putting her feelings ahead of getting laid more often.

(This has been rattling around in my head for a bit, but as always may edit as thoughts continue to come to me etc).

Yay Kink (and Bitch)!

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

So I’ve been watching a few It Gets Better videos (as well as ones that are responses to that campaign, etc), as well as musing on conversations I’ve had with my SO Bitch* and others about kink and sexuality.  So, some things.  Since I don’t know how to form this essay style, let’s go with a list.

1. I had a lot of hormone problems as a child–I started to go through puberty when I was 3 or 4 and was put on hormone blockers (specifically Lupron) until I was almost 11 to prevent things from going full force.  I am not sure, but I suspect this played a role in my sexuality staying pretty low key compared to others my age in middle school and early high school.

2. Despite that, I came to terms with my sexual identity rather young.  I began questioning in about 3rd or 4th grade (it happens when everyone around you is ‘dating’ and you have no interest in doing so), and accepted myself as (at the time) bisexual when I was 12 or 13.

3. In spite of #2, I was closeted until mid 7th grade, although my sexuality was questioned FOR ME by a lot of people.  Due to my love of David Bowie and lack of interest in traditional masculinity as well as other things, I was often asked if I was a lesbian and the other girls talked about (but never did) grooming me to make me an appropriate female.  This, among other things, is what I think lead to me keeping my gender identity secret, even to myself, despite coming out as bisexual.

4. I really didn’t start questioning my gender identity until I became friends with Bitch, who despite seeming a bit straightedge at first, had a small collection of kinky fiction and other things. Meeting someone who liked (for instance) dragon pronz? Made me feel a bit less freakish. Her interest in non-human things, which often had non-binary sexualities and gender identities, helped a lot because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t scare her if I told her I didn’t want tits.

5. Around that same time, though, I started to really struggle with issues left over from a dear friend being raped.  At the time, I expressed in counseling issues with my gender, and my counselor wondered if I hated myself for being female because of violence against women.  Looking back, I think what it really was was hating my male side because of violence against women.

6. After Bitch and I began dating (this being almost four years after we first met), I started looking more into sex toys as well as binders and packing cocks.  I tie the two things together because the fact I was with someone who I had already blathered about at my gender stuff (due to thinking she was straight and so I didn’t have a chance and thus wouldn’t kill my chances), who *wanted* me, made me less afraid of various things about my gender and my sexuality at the same time.

7. Through all that, I found communities with people like me–trans bois who were totally men but still liked glitter and showtunes, trans women who were body builders, etc. etc.

tl;dr: Bitch=awesome person who made me less afraid of my gender and kinks, kink communities=generally awesome places that have made me less afraid of my gender expression.  All of which is part of why I just bought another vibrator (with a gift card) that is purple and glittery, possibly to go with my purple dong.

*When using this word in reference to her, I of course use it affectionately and with her consent; it is not a word I fling around lightly because I know how loaded it is for many, and will likely only use it here with a capital B when referring to her.